I said goodbye to my main Man tonight. Two weeks- it’s the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing one another, without talking to each other.
I am not sure who is handling it worse, him or me.
I helped put together a ‘Feel better bag’ for him- to help understand and deal with his emotions, I hope it helps. Me, I’ll probably be too tired to feel a lot, or I will feel everything and be a complete wreck. I guess only time will tell.
My rational brain is screaming at me- telling me it will all be fine- that in two weeks I’ll be back here, Seamus in my arms, telling him stories of my adventure; and then, I’ll be sad it’s all over.
My emotional brain? It’s telling me tales of not making it back to him..
I got to the airport disgustingly early this morning, after a long night of goodbyes and good drinks, and my dad- who rarely calls me- in his defense he works harder than anyone I know- calls me twice in a span of 20 minutes- and he says to me:
‘Your boy will be fine. His papa will visit him.’
And then my dad, who I’m sure has really great advice, but believes that hard work kind of, well, fixes everything; says to me:
‘You have to remember that there is an Amy in this world too’
And honestly, I think through the last 10 months, getting ready for this incredible experience, it’s the thing that hit me the hardest.
I admit, that sometimes I forget I matter. I leave doctors appointments to the last possible minute- if I go see the doctor at all, sometimes I find myself picking at leftovers long after Seamus has gone to sleep, if I remember to eat that day; I always think back to when my shrink first asked me what I did for me.
Well, that seemed like an easy question:
I’m a mom, I’m an advocate, I’m a fundraiser, I’m a cheerleader and a karate sensei if need be- I’m actually a very busy person. I watched in silence as she furiously scribbled down all these answers, and then she put the notepad down, looked up at me and said ‘ok. So what do you do for YOU?’
This conversation was almost two years ago, and sometimes when I am asked I fall back into my usual pattern- I’m a mom, a fundraiser, an advocate.. etc; and it takes me a bit but I always come around to the fact that everything I do, everything I did was for Seamus. I didn’t even have one little part, one little thing that I did just for me.
They say healing isn’t linear, and I believe this to be true; over the past almost two years I have cried a million tears, I have spent hours in bed, my anxiety has been so bad I have slipped back into paranoid thinking- but, I have also gotten an amazing job that I feel successful at, that I love– that sends me home after every shift feeling accomplished and worthy; I said yes to join a group of 30 people I don’t know, to a trek to Machu Picchu through the Lares Valley- two years ago, hell even a year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to go.
I have made progress- and progress isn’t linear, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone- but the progress I have made is something no one can take from me- even though they have tried.
I have just finished the first leg of what I am sure if going to be an amazing journey- hopefully a little sleep, and a long travel day tomorrow!
#Peru bound! #MachuPicchu #climbforacure2019 #cysticfibrosis #advocatelikeamother